Over the past couple weeks, I have been really struggling with many life questions and the stream of problems thrown on members of my family. Recently, it has cumulated with me questioning my views on religion. My views have been that there may be a God, but religion seems too flawed to be the answer. I recognize that churches and religious people do a lot of good, but I would expect that moral individuals are not concentrated in any one religion or group (agnostics, atheists). I believe humans are ingrained with natural ethics although God may have endowed us with these ethics. I see the Bible as a great tool for guidance in life, but how can I believe that it is the word of God?
There is so much in the Bible that just seems indefensible. I've heard the argument that these verses were written for a different time and no longer apply, but how do we know what should and shouldn't apply? Some say parts of the Bible are not the word of God through misinterpretation and human manipulation, but then how do we know if any of it is truly the word of God? Even if all Scripture was at some point the word of God, has God been controlling man to make accurate translation and stopping man from changing/reinterpreting His word? I feel more comfortable finding that God gave me the moral ability to understand that slavery, sexism, animal sacrifice, etc. are wrong than trying to draw my ethical guidelines from writings that seem to have problems with these areas.
I remember going to church when I was 10-14. I would listen to the sermons and understand the message, but quickly got bored by the interpretation that drove in the same point over and over again. I enjoyed reading, so instead of listening some days, I would just read the Bible myself. I remember a pivotal moment when I asked my dad and grandmother what happens to all those people born in other countries that do not practice our religion or no religion at all. It didn't make sense to me that certain people would practice a certain religion and be saved based purely on the geographic location of their upbringing.
I started casually reading scientific books in high school. I remember reading a chapter in Science Friction by Michael Shermer where it really hit me that I might not believe anymore. I remember finally getting to a part of the book that was really questioning why and how humans obtain religious beliefs. I was always comfortable incorporating science into my own religious views, but I had stumbled upon something that made sense and questioned having religious beliefs all together. I remember I got scared. I don't think I finished the book after that.
My father stopped making my brother and I to go to church once I reached high school. We went for some holidays with my grandmother, but the older I got the less I went. I remember praying throughout high school and even during the start of college, but I haven't truly prayed where I believed I was communicating with God for many years.
Well, I attended church for the first time in at least 2 years. I walked back to campus with a friend, and she explained some of her beliefs to me. It was all understandable and respectable. It reinforced a feeling that I've had for awhile. I want to believe and have faith, but I don't understand how I can get there. I guess I could start looking for a church and try understanding the Bible. I know I can believe in a God, but do I need a religion to strengthen my relationship with God? I will continue to treat others as I would like to be treated. I will continue to strive to be just and fair to everyone around me, but am I really being that good of a person?
Something I recently found that is lacking in my life is caring for and helping others. I feel hurt by this epiphany. I've tried to rationalize that I have been too busy helping myself and my family that I lose sight of helping those millions of people that have it worse than we do. At times I have given all my money to help my brother be successful and he has helped me in the same way. I would do anything to help my mom or dad through their problems also, but I have not thought too much of going out of my way to help others. I can't really focus anymore because I constantly feel myself questioning my identity/direction. I was comfortable with the way I was making decisions, but now, I feel myself questioning my motivations. I wonder if it is time to for me try religion again, but that effort seems so great.
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